Research shows New Zealanders are leaving important conversations with their parents until it’s too late. So, what should you be talking to them about as they get older?
As our parents age, there are several crucial topics that should be discussed, however a new study suggests some of us are choosing not to go there.
The University of Otago research showed many New Zealanders were being moved into residential care at the direction of their GP or family members without any meaningful discussions taking place beforehand.
It’s a situation that could be avoided by having a few conversations when people were still feeling well and able to stay in their own homes, says Age Concern chief executive Karen Billings-Jensen.
Here is what you should be talking about – and how to go about it.
The really crunchy topics
There are many important things families should be talking about, Billings-Jensen said, including discussions around what should happen if parents start to need a different level of support.
“There is really good guidance around advance care planning which can step you through some of the conversations,” she said.
Those plans detail topics as diverse as the routines people like, to preferences for where they would like to live when they need more support or what they want when it comes to end-of-life care.
“The conversations that need to happen are about understanding what older parents are thinking around for the future,” Billings-Jensen said.
“It ranges from talking about funerals and what they’d like to happen when they die to making sure that there are conversations around what assets there are and having an understanding around the financial things.”
She said talking about money can be very hard for some people.
“We’ve seen it for many years when one partner dies and they were the one responsible for all the finances, and the surviving partner or spouse has no idea what bank accounts [there are] ... or they don’t have access,” she said.
“I think some of that has changed, but it's still a real risk that someone doesn't know what the state of play is, and just even managing the house and being able to stay at home [can be a problem].”
Billings-Jensen said making sure parents have chosen an enduring power of attorney (EPA) is also a good idea.
“As people might lose their ability and their own decision-making capacity, having those things all talked about and having that person appointed ... it’s really important.”
Start the conversations now
Some of these conversations needed to happen with all ages, not just older people, Billings-Jensen said, adding that the best time to begin those discussions was now.
“[People] should be having them regularly, because once you really have some assets – a house and a mortgage or KiwiSaver - it's good for your family to know what you would like to happen if something untoward happens earlier or things change for older people.”
Many people want to age in place – that is, remain at home rather than going into residential care – so the earlier families can discuss how to maintain that, the better.
“We talk a lot with people about what happens if [they’re] unable to drive. With that loss of independence, how can you remain in your home and still do the things that bring you joy, as well as the practical things like getting shopping and going to the doctor,” Billings-Jensen said.
“Sometimes when it happens, it happens really suddenly. So, if these conversations haven't happened that's when it can be really hard.”
Getting the whānau involved
The absence of these conversations before something major happens could also lead to disputes or misunderstandings between family members about what their parents want, Billings-Jensen said.
“These conversations need to involve all the family,” she said.
“That just reduces the risk of misunderstanding and siblings saying, ‘Oh, I wasn't involved in that conversation’.
“Some of the elder abuse cases ... are actually due to sibling disagreements around what they believe mum or dad would want and the cost of going through the courts to resolve those things is really high, monetarily and emotionally, on a family.”
A softly, softly approach
These types of conversations can be difficult, Billings-Jensen said, but starting with a gentler line of questioning could help.
She said starting with statements like “I’m wondering...” or “I was just thinking...” is good, especially if they follow a catalyst for the conversation, like a death within their circle or on the news.
“You could say, ‘I was really sad to hear that. I wonder if that was someone in our family, what do we think would like to happen?’”
Whatever the trigger for the conversation, Billings-Jensen said it’s important to ask what parents would like to happen, not to just say “this is what we’re going to do”.
“[Remember] that older people ... should be engaged and have input into the decisions that have been made about them,” she said.
Billings-Jensen would also like to see these types of conversations normalised.
“Talking about the future doesn’t have to mean that it’s going to happen next week,” she said.
“It's just around saying as a family we really care about what might happen and if this should happen, what would you like to do?”
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