How transparent are you and your partner about your finances?

It's not the sexiest thing you'll do as a couple, but a regular "money date" and a written financial plan can spare you a lot of relationship friction. By economist and property investment advisor Ed McKnight.

Have you ever thought about having a money date with your partner?

I didn’t until it almost cost me tens of thousands of dollars in a relationship break-up. My ex and I had put a $70,000 deposit on an investment property which was being built. But I alone had paid the deposit, with the understanding that she'd contribute the same amount down the track.

I was also the only one who'd signed the contract. So I was on the hook. She wasn’t. And that was fine – until we broke up.

Suddenly, I was financially responsible for something we'd intended to buy together. If I couldn't go through with the purchase of the property, the developer could keep my $70k. In the end, I got lucky. I managed to convince a friend to buy the property with me. But the experience taught me a lesson about money and relationships. They can build your wealth but also cost you a fortune.

Looking back, it was my fault. I don't think my ex and I were ever really on the same page with money. I'd convinced her that buying that house was a good thing to do but it turned out that I was (literally) more invested.

One of the biggest issues I see in my work as an investment advisor is that couples often aren’t in sync when it comes to their money. And that leads to friction.

Some reports suggest that one in five New Zealanders say they have relationship problems due to money.

That's why couples need "money dates" or regular, structured conversations about finances.

The truth is that a lack of money isn't the only big problem in some relationships. The real issue can be not talking about it.

And I get it. Conversations about finances can be awkward, even uncomfortable. But avoiding them doesn't make the problem disappear.

I recently spoke to a couple living in the Manawatu. They’re in their 30s and every month they sit down over wine and cheese and talk about their finances. They look at their accounts, see how much money will come in over the next month and plan what they’ll spend and what they’ll save.

Often these money dates work well when you use a money system.

Perhaps you’ll use the 50-30-20 rule. That’s where 50% of your income goes to needs, 30% goes to wants, and 20% goes to savings.

Or, you might follow the Barefoot Investor. That’s where 60% of your income goes towards everyday stuff; 20% to wants and 20% towards paying off debt and building wealth.

Sometimes, having a set formal to follow (that someone else has written) makes it easier to stay on track.

Research from the University of Chicago indicates that this type of mental accounting tends to help households keep track of their money better.

For me, I’ve learned my lesson. I'm now in a new relationship and my fiancée and I took inspiration from the business book Traction, by Gino Wickman. We have a quarterly business plan for our household. With goals that we both aim for.

We created a simple two-page financial plan with clear goals for each quarter. Some goals are financial, like saving for a house. Some were professional goals we had in our careers. Others were practical, like buying furniture.

The whole idea is to get it out of your head and onto paper. Because when a plan stays in your head, it's easy to forget. And it's also easy to misunderstand how your partner is really thinking about money.

And no, a written financial plan isn't the sexiest thing you'll do as a couple. But it keeps you both accountable and ensures you work toward the same objectives.

You can do this, even if your finances are not necessarily combined.

Some financial experts insist couples must fully combine their finances. I don't agree.

Taking a hybrid approach is becoming more common.That’s where you have a joint account to cover shared expenses. Things like housing, rates, mortgages, furniture, and even date nights. But you also have personal accounts for individual spending.

That way, if one person wants to spend $500 on a hobby (or a treat), they can – without it affecting the shared financial plan.

The biggest lesson I learned from my near $70k loss is this: If you're doing something as a couple, you need to do it as a couple.

Doing it as a couple doesn't mean you have to have joint accounts, nor are you trying to keep score. You can still be generous with your partner, especially if you're the higher income earner.

Ultimately, money dates aren't just about dollars and cents. They're about creating transparency, trust, and teamwork in your relationship.

When you and your partner are financially aligned, you're not just planning for the future – you're securing it together.

Ed McKnight is an Auckland-based economist and director at property investment platform Opes Partners.