Is your identity too wrapped up with your job? Tips for untangling it

In a shaky job market, it pays not to base your identity on your work. Career coach Jess Stuart has tips for maintaining a strong sense of self, outside of your job.

My life changed about a decade ago in the air-conditioned meeting room of Fonterra’s Hamilton HQ on a warm sunny afternoon. I told my boss I needed to step away, and resigned without knowing what was next, apart from the need to recover and rebuild.

After I left the office that day, I walked alongside the Waikato River thinking "I don't know who I am without this job, how will I matter in the world now?"

As the company’s head of human resources, I’d spent a decade of my life training for this job, years striving for this promotion and most hours of the previous few months trying to prove myself and stay ahead of the workload. I’d made it. I was successful. I had the title, the salary, the company car, the corner office. Yet I was also throwing it all away. I could no longer stand the way my life felt, as if I was careering towards a brick wall in an out-of-control vehicle, bound for destination burnout.

Not all of us get the choice to step away. Particularly in recent times with restructures rife, we tend to cling to our jobs for fear of never finding another one.

Whether you choose to resign, are made redundant, or simply retire, the sense of loss and identity confusion after leaving a job can be the same. When work has been the centre of our lives, the definition of who we are, we’re suddenly faced with difficult questions.

We might have trained all our lives for this, what else can we do? We might have poured all of our savings into getting qualified to be here. It might be the uniform we wear or the way people perceive our role in society that means we feel valued.

Work is a big part of our lives but we’re encouraged to see it as much more than that – an identity. Even as little kids we’re asked the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And as adults, it’s often the first question we’re asked when we meet someone new: “What do you do for a job?”

Is it any wonder that some of us panic when role is gone?

This is changing though. While previous generations were encouraged to see their careers as central to their identity, Gen Z appears to be pushing back on that idea. Many Gen Z workers prioritise work-life balance, mental health, and personal fulfilment over climbing the corporate ladder. That’s probably not a surprise when you consider that they’ve grown up in an era of rapid job market changes, gig work, and side hustles – they don’t tend to see a single career as defining who they are.

A study by Deloitte found that while 86% of bosses consider work a significant part of their identity, only 61% of Gen Z workers feel the same way.

And maybe the 20-somethings have it right. One way or another, our time at work will come to an end. Particularly in the age of AI when we expect to see many jobs we’ve celebrated for years no longer needing a human – how might we prepare for this?

Leaving behind my senior leadership role to teach yoga and clean composting toilets at ashrams in Northern Thailand and France was a choice. But still, I wasn’t spared the sense of identity loss and confusion. All of a sudden I felt I wasn’t important. I didn’t have a title or a salary that made me feel like I mattered. I couldn’t bask in the glory of friends and family thinking I’d made it career-wise, that I’d made my parents proud.

I also realised as I filled out the pre-arrival form that none of the skills I’d celebrated on my CV had any place in this new world. There were no tick boxes for strategic agility and financial acumen – they wanted people who could cook, clean and chop wood. For the first time since I was 13 years old and washed dishes in my local English village pub I had to write the words “unemployed”.

But my crisis of confidence was followed by a process of change. And the beautiful part of that was being able to stand back and think about who I really was, what mattered and how I could make an impact in the world. I’ve learned that this feeling of identity is something well beyond a title and something salary can’t measure.

The wonderful thing about our identity being independent of our work is that if our job does change or vanish, it doesn’t threaten who we are.

Even if we’re a lawyer or doctor or work for a charity saving lives, we shouldn’t be entirely defined by this. If it disappeared tomorrow (as it well might) we can still have our sense of self and meaning to our life.

After all, the identities we build at work are often a bit delusional, or at the very least inflated. It’s our impact on others, and the things people will say about us when we’re gone that matter. And those which very rarely revolve around a person’s paid work no matter how important they were.

1. Ask yourself, what fires you up outside of work? It could be cooking, gardening, writing poetry, learning languages, coaching soccer, or travel. Cultivate those things.

2. Don’t sacrifice your wellbeing for work. Even the most hardworking and talented employees can lose their jobs in the current climate. By all means work hard, but if you’ve worked ridiculous hours at the expense of your health and your personal life, your sense of betrayal at losing the role will be enormous. And even if you keep your job, you can ultimately give more to it if you’re happy and healthy outside of work.

3. Have a Plan B. You’re not just one thing. Whatever you do for work, have some alternative routes in mind so that if one door slams shut, it’s an opportunity to explore a different direction.

With a background in HR, Jess Stuart is now a Waiheke-based career coach and the author of several books including: Burnout to Brilliance and I Love Mondays.