In an era of frayed tempers, learning to be calm and polite is a kind of quiet super power, writes Jess Stuart.
It feels to me like we could be in a bit of a civility crisis. Stories of frayed tempers, front line staff feeling unsafe and people lacking kindness in daily life are more common. I find myself cringing when I read community Facebook Group comments, or basically any comment thread, just at the sheer levels of rage and disrespect.
Civility is the social glue that helps us navigate difference, collaborate effectively, and maintain dignity in our interactions. But in recent years, it has felt like that glue is weakening. Multiple studies have shown this, but we can see it for ourselves in the angry outbursts at supermarket checkouts, the signs in clinics begging patients to be kind to staff, and the sharp rise in online vitriol.
It’s possibly a symptom of deeper societal strain, rising stress levels, political polarisation – often fueled by our own online feeds – and the collective fatigue from years of global uncertainty.
Whatever the reason for it, it serves little purpose. And it's particularly unhelpful at work.
Why civility matters at work
This erosion of civility doesn’t stop at the office door. It seeps into our meetings, emails, and team dynamics. In workplaces, incivility can show up as passive-aggressive comments, public undermining, or a general lack of empathy and respect. It leads to disengagement, reduced collaboration, and even increased staff turnover.
The workplace has always tested our nerves; running late, delivering a difficult presentation, navigating tricky colleagues. But now we’re seeing that pressure extend well beyond office walls. The world is changing rapidly with global conflicts, the climate crisis and economic uncertainty. We’re all feeling it.
But, even if we are struggling due to workplace insecurity or some other distress on a global or personal level, how might we suck it up and be our best selves at work? How might we take control of some of the difficult emotions we’re experiencing and make space to understand another’s perspective? How might we stay calm amid the chaos?
The art of calm
The art of calm has to be one of the most undervalued yet most essential skills of our current climate. It’s something that affects how we focus, relate to others, handle setbacks and show up in the world, especially when tensions are high.
Calm isn’t just good for our careers. It’s vital for our relationships at home and our overall health and wellbeing. In tough times, cultivating a sense of emotional steadiness can be one of the most powerful tools we have. It's a skill I learned in the forests of northern Thailand during my time with Buddhist monks and nuns: essentially, it's equanimity.
Career coach and author Jess Stuart shares tips to stay cool, calm and collected in a professional environment. (Source: Breakfast)
A kind of super power
Equanimity is the art of staying grounded in the midst of the storm. It's the ability to remain calm, even-tempered, and composed regardless of what’s happening around us. It’s the cool head in the heat of the moment. It helps us pause before reacting, allowing us to respond with intention. In a world full of fast reactions and short fuses, this is a quiet kind of superpower.
I think of it like the ocean. On the surface, the waves change depending on the weather. But dive just a few metres down and the water is always still. Calm lives beneath the chaos, and we can learn to access that space within ourselves.
Whether I’m dealing with public speaking nerves or remembering the emotional toll of my days in HR, where we navigated everything from restructures to suicides, this is the one skill I’ve come to rely on most.
Why it matters now more than ever
A quarter of New Zealanders currently have poor levels of mental and emotional wellbeing, including nearly a third of women, according to a recent study commissioned by the Mental Health Foundation. These stats show up in ways that touch all of us; strained relationships, rising anxiety, emotional outbursts in places that once felt safe.
So how do we hold our centre and feel peaceful inside when everything around us is shifting?
Tools to build your calm
Here are a few practices I return to often both personally and in my coaching work:
• Deep breaths: Our grandparents were onto something. Breathing deeply activates the nervous system’s calming response and gives us space to choose how we react. If you're in a situation (a meeting, a queue, traffic, a tense conversation), check your breathing and focus particularly on the out breath. If your breathing is slow and calm you're a lot less likely to say something you will regret later.
• Movement: Exercise, especially outside, helps release tension and reset the body and mind. If possible, get some in before work, so you arrive in a mellower state of mind; but equally valuable can be a de-stressing run, long walk, yoga class or group game after work. Find something that you enjoy so that it's a pleasure and not just another "should". That might be gardening or vigorously cleaning your house. All movement is good.
• Good sleep: Sleeping well (seven to nine hours a night) can be easier said than done but it's essential for resilience, patience, and emotional regulation, so prioritise it. Don't say yes to late-night or early-morning events that will compromise your sleep. Switch off screens well before bedtime and avoid alcohol in the evenings and caffeine after 2pm.
• Meditation: It strengthens our calm centre like nothing else. Even a few minutes a day can make a difference, or if it's not your bag try something focused but easy and purely pleasurable like baking, painting or jigsaw puzzles.
• Journaling: Writing helps us offload what we’re carrying, especially if there’s nowhere safe to vent. Let your journal be a no-holds-barred outlet for your negative feelings, and next time you feel the need to criticise or gossip at work you can simply promise yourself half an hour with your journal later that day and resist adding to the negative vibes at work.
If we want a more civil society, we have to start by cultivating that civility within ourselves. Calm isn’t passive, it’s powerful. In a world that’s shouting, calm is how we keep our voice.
With a background in HR, Jess Stuart is now a Waiheke-based career coach and the author of several books including: Burnout to Brilliance and I Love Mondays.
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