Separating is a complicated and emotionally draining process for any family – often affecting children as much if not more than the parents. Emma Hildesley on how parents can best navigate the challenges while minimising their children's distress.
Of all the messages in author and therapeutic mediator Jill Goldson's latest book Child Inclusion in Parenting Dispute Mediation, perhaps the strongest is the importance of keeping children out of court in the separating process.
Goldson believes firmly that, in most cases, a drawn-out court case in which children witness their parents disagreeing about their care is unnecessary and, often, damaging.
That's not to say professional counselling help isn't required if there's conflict between separating parents. The good news is that, for Kiwis under a certain income bracket, such a service is funded (details below). And for those who can afford to pay – it's still relatively cheap.
Allowing children a voice
The resolution process will look different for each family but, Goldson says, allowing children to participate in it has profound benefits for parents and kids alike.
"Children are less stressed and anxious when they're able to be involved in discussions about their care after separation," says Goldson.
"Parents tend to lower their conflict and more readily reach agreement about their child when they can really hear what the children are saying about their experience."
And ideally that experience doesn't mean, "being stuck between warring parents who have different views on who should have the children", as this is an emotionally disruptive and upsetting experience for children.
Mediation is funded in NZ
Family Dispute Resolution (FDR) is a service where an independent mediator helps parents, guardians, and whānau discuss issues and try to reach an agreement over issues such as who a child or children live with, and how frequently they move between their parents' homes.
According to the Ministry of Justice, families usually can't apply to the Family Court to deal with a dispute unless they've already tried to resolve it through the FDR process.
Mediation is fully funded below a certain threshold; and even if your income is too high to receive the funding, it still costs less than $500 per parent for 12 hours of mediation, which is a lot cheaper than paying a private therapist or counsellor, and considerably less costly than court processes and legal representation.
When one parent wants more time
Conflict can arise during the separation process if parents have opposing or conflicting beliefs about what’s best for the child. The major one is who the child should live with and for how much of the week.
"Obviously children will do best when safely attached to both their parents," says Goldson.
But the situations are often complex and untangling the many variables can be too hard for a separating couple to do peacefully, without a qualified mediator.
When one parent turns the child against the other
It can be hard to keep negative thoughts about your ex-partner to yourself. In some instances, a parent may even attempt to alienate the child from the other parent by speaking disrespectfully about them in an attempt to get the child 'on side'.
Goldson describes parental alienation as "the outcome of a process where one parent (alienating/aligned/preferred) engages in a variety of behaviours with the effect of damaging the relationship between the child and the other (targeted/ rejected) parent.
"Typically, alienating parents will engage in strategies that range from limiting parental contact time and interfering with communication, to badmouthing and portraying the other parents as dangerous," she writes.
Goldson doesn’t downplay the profound effect on a child of this behaviour.
"Frankly, the damage done to a child as a result of being poisoned against a loving parent is emotionally catastrophic," she writes.
The double bind
Goldson calls it the "double bind". It's the scenario in which a child feels that expressing love for one parent, lessens their bond to the other.
"If you love Mummy and Daddy says unkind things about her, and if you love Daddy and Mummy says unkind things about him, then that child is in a deeply conflicted loyalty bind," she says.
Children caught in the middle of this double bind suffer anxiety and stress due to wanting to please both parents.
Alternatively, they may align closely with one parent and not the other, she says. "And then we start to develop alienation, which I prefer to call child contact problems."
The knock-on effect to children can be serious. According to Goldson, approximately one in four children caught up in an adversarial process in court go on to develop issues such as depression, oppositional behaviour, or conduct disorders.
The statistics apply to families in the court process but Goldson points out that, even if parents avoid going to court but remain in conflict, their children can be negatively impacted in similar ways.
Embracing co-parenting
In Goldson's view, parents who feel tempted to speak badly about their ex-partner in front of their child should consider the impact on the child's self-esteem.
A good starting point is to stop focusing on what your ex-partner is, was or should have been to you, and instead view them in terms of what they are to the child.
Or as Goldson says, "Ensure your child knows that, regardless of grief or conflict, you cherish them as the joint product of both you and the other parent."
Co-parenting doesn't just relate to emotional issues, but practical ones too. Goldson outlines an ideal in which both parents are equally involved and informed about all matters relating to the child, including school, health and general wellbeing.
Lydia Barnett*, a separated mother of one, says it helps if parents can (within reason) liase over issues like bedtimes, screen time, junk food, friends and homework, coming to a general consensus while also respecting each other's right to parent in their own unique way.
This mature attitude may take some effort to reach, but it's really not optional.
"Whilst parents can choose not to be partners anymore," writes Goldson. "They of course remain co-parents of their child."
When your child returns from 'the other house'
In a case study from Goldson's book, an 11-year-old was nervous about upsetting both parents as "they don't want to hear about what I do at the other parent's house".
This forces a child into a miserable scenario where they feel free to share only half of their life with either one of their parents.
Barnett points out that, just as some children feel unable to talk about life at the other parent's house, others might feel pressure to report on what goes on there, as some parents actively use their child to seek information about the other parent.
This can get extremely tricky, especially if new partners are involved.
Again, it's a matter of the parent coming to terms with the end of the relationship so that they can be neutral about issues such as new partners, or what their ex-partner is doing/saying/spending money on. (And if they don't 'feel' neutral, the goal is to 'act' neutral.)
Ideally, a child is able to talk freely about their life with the other parent, without feeling like that information is having too great an impact on the parent they’re talking to.
How does extended family factor in?
In cases of severe parental alienation, children don't just lose one parent, but everyone in the rejected parent's wider family as well.
"Grandparents' hearts are also broken by deep family conflict," Goldson says.
Not only do they miss out on caring for the child and building on that bond but "the children are potentially losing out on an entire cultural heritage to which it was their birth right to belong," says Goldson.
She reminds separating parents to guard against any disagreement or conflict impacting extended family relationships.
"Whilst conflicted separation is very distressing and disrupted, it can be worked through and resolved. Family mediation is often the key to this."
To recap: seven top tips for separating parents
- Speak respectfully about the other parent to the child at all times.
- Do not use your child as a messenger.
- Avoid conversations/messages your child might overhear about conflict you may be having with your ex-partner.
- Make sure the other parent is informed about all matters relating to school, health and general wellbeing.
- Remember: children do not want to choose their care arrangements.
- Allow your children to be heard in the negotiations about their custody (they might have feelings about which neighbourhood they prefer) but never put them in the situation of "choosing" between parents. Ultimately the custody agreement is between the parents.
- Seek FDR mediation or Parenting through Separation courses
- Guard against any disagreement or conflict impacting extended family relationships.
Jill Goldson is director of the Family Matters Centre in Auckland, and author of Child Inclusion in Parenting Dispute Mediation.
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