The holidays are here — a time for giving, and a time for receiving opinions from certain family members you likely only see once a year.
Between presents, traffic and the pressure to make things "perfect" — holidays are already stressful enough. Mix in some alcohol, and you've got a recipe for controversial views and potentially awkward chats.
Tips to tackle tricky topics with family - Watch on TVNZ+
On the streets near Takapuna beach on Auckland's North Shore, we asked some Kiwis how they navigate these tricky topics with their loved ones.
"I try to avoid them to be honest," Levi Milldove smiled. "Leave them for my wife.
"I probably provoke it a little bit, make it into a bit of a sport, especially if it's not my side of the family."
Johnny, who admitted to being "quite a sensitive person", said he opted to be more diplomatic in tough situations.
"I'm more of an avoider," he explained. "I'll engage with it initially, but if I think people are having a go at me I'll just revert into a better world."
As he climbed into his Mercedes, Johnny said his strategy to keep people on side was to give generous gifts. So I guess if you're one of his family members reading this, lucky you.
Besties Mila van der Plas and Maja Kukler said Christmas can have a "stressful" edge to it, particularly for split families with added pressure of fighting traffic to get from house to house.
"So there's always those comments like 'oh you're so late', which sparks some interesting conversations regarding time management," Maja says.
Mila says a contentious topic she's experienced in the past was whether she was bringing anyone to family Christmas.
"It was kind of annoying, a bit off topic and feels like a lot of pressure," she explains.
Maja says she now prefers to be "totally honest" with her family, and opts to park tough topics to the side and bring them up on another day.
"I guess bringing the love you're wanting to share with your family, instead of going in with pre-anxiety thoughts because they'll feel it," she says.
Mila says "everyone is kind of on edge a little bit, so give people a bit of space to breathe".
James Booker says his family is "pretty good for the most part", and are more likely to walk away and take a break from a situation to diffuse it.
"I think it depends, like having the space to say what you think and not just standing by and not saying anything if you have a problem, but at the same time keeping it safe and healthy. You can have a disagreement without having a shouting match.
"Trying to be kind to each another, as you're not going to agree with somebody else on everything, so sometimes you do just have to walk out of the room and take a break."
Six strategies to diffuse tension
Clinical psychologist and acting head of school at Massey University, Kirsty Ross, shared her best advice to navigate these common familial minefields, while still keeping relationships in tact.
She says there's often a mix of feelings as people ease into holiday mode, with "food, wine and family that they haven't seen for quite some time".
"That can bring up a lot of feelings of excitement, but also a lot of nervousness for many people especially if this is a once a year experience where they're seeing people they don't normally connect with for the rest of the year.
"Perhaps there's a feeling of trying to make that special, and a feeling of really wanting it to go well, but some nervousness around people in the family or friends that you might be seeing who you know have some different views or beliefs than you," she adds.
1. Prepare for it
Kirsty says going into the family gathering, it's good to be aware of what triggers you and have a plan in place if there are "predictable" topics guaranteed to rile you up.
"Planning ahead is always a good one, because when you're in the midst of the event that can feel a little bit hard to think on your feet."
She said if it's a close family member, one way to do this would be to call them up and speak about it ahead of time.
"Maybe phoning up ahead of time and saying, 'I really want Christmas to go well and I know we disagree on this. I'm wondering if we could just park that for today and we could talk about another time, as I think we both would want to really enjoy the day. Is that OK with you?' And hopefully they will say yes," she says.
"But sometimes, what can catch people off guard is some unpredictable conversation. Someone who might have a belief or have developed a view that comes out of left field. You weren't anticipating that conversation, and it might affect you in a way emotionally. You've then got a decision about what to do about that."
2. Take a lap
"If it's something that is really fundamental to your belief system, taking a break and perhaps having a little bit of a walk outside to collect yourself is crucial when we're very emotional," Kirsty says.
"That's not always the best time to be responding or reacting. So a break and then thinking, 'how do I want to manage this?' would be a good first option."
You can take yourself (or a family pet) out for a brisk walk, offer to go pick up something from the supermarket, or help in another way, such as at the BBQ by yourself for a bit before re-joining things later on.
3. Agree to disagree
Kirsty says you can attempt to find common ground, even if you "agree to disagree on the details".
"For example, it might be something political, and you might be able to — through slightly gritted teeth — say 'we both really care about the future of this country, we both really care about the education system, or the health system'... I think we've got different ways of seeing how that might pan out, but it's great that we both care about the future of this country and just see that common goal, but allow space for some difference."
She says if people keep trying to lock you down into an argument, stick to the "broken record technique" where you just don't elaborate, and hopefully they'll take the hint and move on.
4. Don't drink too much
Kirsty said people in stressful situations tend to self-soothe with an extra glass or two, which can backfire — badly.
"Making sure that you don't use alcohol too much as a way of managing is important, especially when we're in sort of holiday period, because that can disinhibit people from managing things in quite the way that they might want to."
5. Set some boundaries
Kirsty says if the person you're speaking to is adamant that absolutely nothing is off limits, she says this is the time to put a boundary in place using an 'if-then' statement.
"You could say, well, my preference would be that we don't talk about this because we don't agree, and if you insist on bringing this up, then I might need to leave early.
"So just being really clear around this is what I will and won't be OK with, and making that the other person's decision as to what they want to do... So saying something like: 'If we can leave that, I think we'll all have a good time. But if it does come up and it's pursued, then I'm not sure we'll be able to stay for the whole day'."
6. Bring backup
If you know there may be some tricky conversations looming, Kirsty says bringing a partner or a friend who is "clued in" to what topics you're expecting can be a huge support.
"When you're emotional, then to have someone who might notice that you're starting to get a bit activated can be useful. For them to say, 'hey, do you want to come help me prepare the salad in the kitchen?' And then they can ask if you're OK, if you want to take a break, or just someone to back what you're saying."
Challenging the dynamics
She says most families follow a process called homeostasis, in which we tend to develop a way of being with each other that everyone comes to expect, with prescribed roles, scripts and dynamics that don't change.
"When you are wanting those dynamics to be different, the whole system needs to adjust, otherwise you're behaving in a different way. And people are like 'what's going on? This is not who we think she is'."
She says even unconsciously, people will try and get you back into that role, because it's "familiar and comfortable for them" and the best way to introduce some new life changes is to pre-emptively give people a heads up.
"Lots of people have family group chats now, and even to be able to pre-empt it and using some humour to say 'hey guys, I'm quite different to what you might expect [this year]'. Or say 'I would love to tell you about all the changes I've made in my life, looking forward to seeing you all and giving you an update'."
She says sometimes it takes "quite a lot of evidence for people to see that you have evolved and changed".
"Be prepared for people to expect you to be who they think that you are, and be really grounded and sure of yourself.
"It might just take time for people to get used to the new version, the new evolution of you. So I guess not to react too strongly in the beginning, but to see that that might be a bit of a process for that homeostasis to shift within your family over time."
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